Bin laden

What we really need!

The council have announced that Triple P is to be provided with yet another waste bin. We already have three: for general rubbish, garden rubbish and recycling (or shipping stuff to China so they can bury it in a hole instead, as it is more correctly known). Now we have to have a bin for "food waste" as well. Frankly Triple P is sick of all this multiple bin, save the planet, purported recyling nonsense. It's all getting too much and is driving us mad!

Firstly, you have to bully supermarket checkout staff to give you a carrier bag so we don't choke turtles. It's not actually saving our flippered friends (whose only purpose on earth is as soup anyway) because we use the supermarket bags in our waste bin. If there were no supermarket bags we would just have to buy alternative plastic bags for the bin! All it does is save big stores millions of pounds a year!

Secondly, yesterday it was announced that you won't be able to get 100 watt bulbs any longer, as we have previously reported. What we hadn't realised is that the replacement "green" ones are all fluorescent, which cast that horrible flickering light that causes eyestrain, headaches and makes everywhere look like a Lithuanian massage parlour (we imagine). It's all part of Mr Gordon Brown's plans to have us groping around in the stygian gloom as part of his campaign to abolish fun (it also means you won't be able to read all the bad news in the newspaper either). You cannot have a romantic interlude under fluorescent lighting!

Thirdly, everyone knows all this recycling nonsense only works if someone can make money out of it, which they can''t at present. The one good thing about it is that the China syndrome actually achieves what we should have done all along, just dump our rubbish on less worthy countries (China is ideal).

What is the point of being a major industrialised G8 nation if you can't live how you want to? Let the other useless countries of the world save the planet. Yes it's bad luck that they have to cut back but it's their fault for not starting the industrial revolution, bringing the rule of law to most of the world and inventing antibiotics. They are the ones who are breeding the world to destruction, the least they can do is stop using plastic bags and normal light bulbs so we don't have to, the ungrateful bunch. The least they can do is bury our rubbish in their ghastly countries.

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