Linda Lusardi in 999 M-way panto shocker

Can I use the motorway hard shoulder if I'm late? "Oh no you can't!" "Oh yes I can!" etc.

Linda Lusardi, the former Page 3 model and re-invented actress, presenter and reality TV "star" has been in trouble this week with Hertfordshire Constabulary for dialling 999 to ask if she could drive on the hard shoulder of the M25 because heavy traffic was making her late for her pantomime performance at High Wycombe theatre. Well, I suppose she at least asked permission but really it's hardly an emergency. She didn't want to disappoint her "fans" by not turning up to the performance.

This begs the question does she have any fans? We suppose she must have as she was voted best Page 3 Girl ever (mistakenly, surely?) in 2005 by "readers" of The Sun.

Quite scary, really.

Now, unlike Agent DVD who appreciates what Triple P's school Geography teacher, Spiny Norman, used to call "knockers like watermelons" (he was of a West Country origin and sounded like one of the Wurzels or that particularly unkempt archaeologist on Time Team) Agent Triple P has never been that impressed with the concept of Page 3 Girls. Most of the pictures were taken by a photographer called Beverley Goodway (a name which makes him sound like a James Bond girl) who worked on Page 3 for 33 years and Linda was his favourite model. Goodway had an amazing talent for taking an attractive girl and photographing them in such a way that he managed to remove any ounce of sex appeal from them. Rather curious for a glamour photographer but that's obviously what Sun "readers" wanted.

Linda Lusardi, in particular, held no appeal at all, as far as Triple P was concerned. Just a bust, a lot of teeth and a pair of those rather unfortunate "bubble" cheeks that look like they have been stuck on as a prosthetic appliance.

As she reinvented herself as a family favourite, post Page 3, she took to denying that she had ever done any fully nude work but in the world of the internet it is difficult to hide your past and it was soon revealed that she had posed nude for both Mayfair and the even more down-market Fiesta in 1977 at the age of nineteen. Not only that but flashing her bits as well.

Lusardi appeared on last year's Dancing on Ice to fulfill the quotient in such shows of including a rather tubby middle-aged woman for the rather tubby middle-aged female audience to identify with. The problem was that she skated with all the grace of a cow with spongiform encephalopathy but despite this she survived to finish sixth (out of 13). Perhaps she has fans after all. Even Triple P appreciates this subtle shot...

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