Holly Willoughby

Holly: knows where her talents lie

We have always appreciated Holly Willoughby from the time when she appeared on Saturday morning Children's TV.

Not a stick

She always looked so delightfully curvaceous, in a TV world of stick-like women, and the producers of the show seemed to delight in putting her into skimpy clothes or some sort of uniform and once, memorably, into a bikini. In the studio. In front of an audience of children. Inspired!

A bikini by the pool. Fair enough!

Passes the "does she look good in a vest?" test!

Holly with squashy globe

Holly last night: threw the producers into a tizzy.

So, we are delighted to see her hosting Dancing on Ice on Sunday evenings. Yesterday's incredibly low-cut Greek Goddess-type dress was the highlight of the series so far. According to The Sun (so it must be right), the producers went into a panic as they were worried she might fall out of it and that it wasn't appropriate for a family show. It seems entirely appropriate to us, if ratings are your goal, which they must be for a commercial TV station.

Holly is on the left. You mean she's not a real blonde! There is so much to admire in this picture.

Brighton-born Holly used to be a lingerie model which has resulted in a number of very fine photographs.

She's not just a pretty bust, Polly!

She modelled mainly for Pretty Polly and, at five foot eight inches has the legs to match her bust.

Latterly, she has put on a little weight but it all seems to have gone onto the right areas and despite saying in the press this week that she wants to keep her curves for her husband she seems intent on displaying as much of her magnificant chest as possible whenever she gets the chance. Good for her! So let's hope some killjoy TV producer doesn't cover her up next week!

Covered up again.

My German correspondent B (who is currently working in the Low Countries) will no doubt contact me again and say that despite the fact we constantly claim not to be a bust man we are constantly posting pictures of women with big busts! Of course we only do this for Agent DVD's benefit!

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Ana Ivanovic

Ana: squeaky

Serbian tennis sweetie Ana Ivanovic is in trouble for squeaking her shoes at grumpy Slovak opponent Daniela Hantuchova.

Daniela: Grumpy

Not exactly plain herself, Daniela is accusing the gorgeous Balkan of deliberately making noises with her trainers to literally put her off her stroke. Actually, Agent Triple P wouldn't mind being stroked by either Eastern Eurobabe but thinks that Ana has the advantage! No chance for an all-girl love-all at the moment though!

The only solution is a mud wrestling bout.

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A Handbag?

Get a grip, woman!

Women's passion for handbags reached a new height of fashion insanity in 2007, even for them.

This year Marc Jacobs was selling a crocodile handbag for £13,000. Fendi had a chinchilla and sable bag for £20,000. The Louis Vuiton Tribute bag was £23,484. If you are worried that those might be lacking in exclusivity then Hermès had a crocodile version of it's exclusive Birkin bag with a 10 carat diamond clasp for £120,000. Top of this ridiculous tree was Chanel's Forever Bag with 334 diamonds, solid gold metalwork and a white alligator body for a healthy £130,000!

Actually, the last two are sort of understandable. If you stick enough diamonds on anything you can get the price of something mundane up to something sky high. But twenty thousand pounds for a bag with no gold and diamonds on?!!

According to Selfridges the average price of their designer handbags is now £850. Sales of handbags in Britain have increased by 146% in the last 5 years.

A survey carried out at a shopping centre this summer found that the average 30-year-old British woman owns twenty-one handbags at any given time, and buys a new one every three months !

This is why men rule the planet and women do the ironing.

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Why are long legs sexy?

Adriana: too long?

Well, according to yet another bunch of, got nothing better to do, academics, it's because they signify good health. This according to the boffins at Wroclaw University in Poland.

However, it's not all good news for leggy lovelies like Adriana Sklenarikova (above) as they also reported that excessively long legs are not so attractive, as they may indicate a small torso which means potential childbearing difficulties.

Another rent-a-boffin, Dr George Fieldman, from Buckinghamshire New University (er, where?), said "It's interesting that those with slightly longer legs were deemed more attractive than the very long ones. People prefer a slight improvement, but not so that it becomes outlandish." Actually, we think Dr Fieldman is spot on here. But mainly because very long legs tend to be skinny and lacking in shape, which are not to Agent Triple P's taste. We like a bit of muscle on our girlie's legs!

Current record holder for the longest legs is German uber-babe Nadja Auermann who has 44" legs. Sorry, too long for me!

Nadja: much too long!

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£5 million for Trout Pouter Ash?

Unbelievably, Leslie Ash has been awarded £5 million compensation after contracting the MSSA (not MRSA as most of the tabloids are reporting) superbug whilst being treated in hospital for a collapsed lung in 2oo4 brought on, she claimed, by a particularly energetic sex session with her footballer husband.

The size of the compensation, which was ten times what was predicted is supposed to reflect her loss of earnings. £5million? She was hospitalised in 2004. In the four years before that she only had four acting jobs. Given her disastrous plastic surgerey how did her lawyers manage to persuade the judge that offers of work would have flooded in over the coming years? If you were a TV producer would you hire a woman who looks like this? Good grief!

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Miss January 2: Rihanna

As we have two calendars on the go, now is a good time to look at my alternate Miss January, Rihanna.

Agent DVD had not heard of this Barbadian pop-poppet which just shows what an seriously unhip cat he is.

Her single, Umbrella (or Um-ber-ella as she, oddly, pronounced it) was number one in the UK for 9 weeks (inexplicably, we have to say).

Robyn Rihanna Fenty, to giver her her full name, is still only nineteen but seems quite happy to pose in minimal amounts of clothing.

Recent rumouirs have indicated that she is in a relationship with her assistant.

Nothing unusual in that, except her assistant is a lady called Melissa, pictured with her here.

This sort of thing does not go down very well in America. However Agent Triple P hopes they are very happy together.

Hopefully, happy enough that they settle down and Rihanna stops her ghastly caterwauling.

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Golf Umbrellas

That's an extra £50 a day for you girlie and an extra £50 fine for promoting Liverpool. Capital of culture, indeed!

It's pouring with rain in London this morning and the hideous golf umbrellas have come out in force. Agent Triple P can't stand umbrella's and golf ones in particular. The only place for golf umbrellas is on a golf course, not in a city of eight million people.

A particular type tends to get a golf umbrella. The type that drives a BMW 4x4. The type that says: "I am really important and rich and you can read the name of my company, which you could only dream of working for, in large letters on my umbrella. And just to reinforce how important I am, I am going to take a disproportionate amount of space on our crowded pavements. I will then walk along with the front edge pointed downwards so I can't see where I am going, so you better get out the way!"

Agent Triple P has an answer to the problem of golf umbrellas in the city. Congestion charging! For every three inches diameter over a normal umbrella you pay a £5 a day charge. Simple.

After all, let's face it, why do you need an umbrella anyway? IT'S ONLY WATER!

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"Expensive" wine tastes better

A survey has just shown that most people, when given identical wine, and told that one is much more expensive, say that they like the "more expensive" one. In the test people were given identical wines but were told the wines ranged in price from £2.50 to £45. They invariably liked the "more expensive" one. The theory being that people who have spent more money on a luxury appreciate it more and want to like it better.

Whilst Agent Triple accepts this, he still believes that there is a difference between a cheap wine and, even, a mid priced one, given the well known proportion that tax takes up; making the actual cost of a £6.00 wine much more than twice the cost of a £3.00 one. What might be harder to judge is an £8.00 versus a £45.00 bottle.

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Waterloo and City Chaos again

Bank Station: turned into Deathtrap Dungeon by ravening hordes of aggressive women!

So, they announce it is out of action again this morning but by the time we arrive it is restored although there is a big backlog of people all the way up the ramp. Agent DVD claims it is always like that at that time. This is why we have been coming in an hour later!

Now Agent Triple P is far too delicate to stand on the train in the morning so habitually waits just back from the doors so he can get a seat on the next train. This enables the sad "must get on" crowd to jam themselves into that horrible curved-topped bit by the doors.

Watch out matey, they're massing in order to conduct a pincer movement!

However what is happening now is that people, usually girls, are pushing past and then stopping in front of you and not getting in the carriage so that they can get the first seats on the next train. Sorry, girls, if you aren't cramming yourself onto the train you have to QUEUE UP LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!


When I reached the other end and got out of the carriage some stocky fat girl leaps out of the door and lands right in front of me, elbowing me out of the way and causing me to recoil several feet in case I catch a dose of plug-ugly.

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New Bond Girl: Olga Kurylenko

So, today they have announced the new Bond girl, Ukrainian super-babe Olga Kurylenko. What is Ukrainian for "yum"?

Can she act? Who cares? As she looks like this:

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