X Factor 2011

Cowell endures this year's finalists

Triple P is not a big fan of the X-Factor (although he has watched it in the past) but this year it has become the Z-Z-Z-Z Factor and is interesting only in seeing how a once mighty force on TV declines week upon week.  The reason for this is quite simple in that it has become a parody of itself and Simon Cowell, absent in the US, is struggling to exert  his smarmy,  manipulative presence from afar.  It was always funny when, as a judge, he pretended that "the producers" were doing things over which he had no control as if he was just a minor cog in the X-Factor machine when, of course, he is the machine itself.  This year, from the scripted comments of Gary Barlow to the mock arguments to the ever-increasing number of sob stories of the contestants it has all now got so fake that even the British public have started to realise that they are being manipulated for the sole reason of making Cowell even richer, while he spends time grovelling to the American public in his US show.  The one thing that appears to have ruined his life is the fact that he isn't an American.  No doubt he soon will be.

Misha B naked

This year there aren't even any good singers.  The judges have obviously been told (by Cowell whose taste in music seems to start and finish with shouty, Afro-American/Caribbean, female RnB singers- the modern definition not proper RnB) to push Misha B despite her having a nasty voice and obviously being a horrible person. Now the whole team is having to try to rehabilitate her with the public as she nearly went out last week.  Let's hope she gets kicked out this week, although that now looks unlikely given the programme has unearthed her long lost mother (who can probably smell the money) and was playing it for all it was worth.

The judges: irrelevant, third rate, incomprehensible and catatonic.

Cowell must be wondering about replacing the whole judging panel if the show comes back next year.  Walsh is an increasingly doddering irrelevance whose limited repertoire of comments could be delivered by a randomly programmed robot.  Tulisa, who seems to be under the impression that people have actually heard of her or her third rate band (they were playing the ice rink at Ryde in the Isle of Wight last year, for heaven's sake), can only relate to people from her own trashy background, so we have had some nasty class-driven decisions.  Rowland,  seemes to have developed her own language which is like a bad parody of blaxploitation jive and is, therefore, mostly incomprehensible.  Finally, the catatonically dull Barlow, under the impression that he exudes some gravitas, looks to be hating every minute of it.  The average IQ of this year's panel must be 50% down on last year's and that had Cheryl Cole in it!

By this stage one or two leading contenders have usually emerged but this year no-one has distinguished themselves, really. Cowell must be preparing to write off this year and thanking his lucky stars for One Direction from last year.  You only have to see a bit of the American X-Factor to realise how lacklustre the UK entrants are this year in comparison.  So who else has Cowell left? Craig, who he won't know what to do with as he was originally pushed as comedy light relief until they found he could sing but doesn't have the looks to be a star.  If he wins (unlikely) he will be dumped in record time.  Marcus, an engaging and polished performer who might just pull it off but he's not the sort of act Cowell likes (he drops all of his solo male acts as soon as he can).  Janet, who hasn't lived up to her early favourite billing and just looks like an increasingly baffled rabbit caught in headlights as she croaks her way through unforgettable song after unforgettable song. Little Mix, three average looking girls and a hobbit whose only claim to fame is that they are doing better than previous girl groups on the X Factor, probably on the basis that they are so plain that they don't annoy the (largely female) voting public.  Could win by default.  Finally, there is growling rock chick Amelia, who was thrown out in week one and is now back in thanks to Frankie's (Triple P walked past him in Victoria last week - he is very small and grumpy looking) sacking. 

More power to Strictly Come Dancing, says Triple P!
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