The return of Dancing on Ice

Jennifer Ellison gets her skates on

Another of Triple P's guilty TV pleasures is Dancing on Ice, which returns tomorrow. Although very much a poor relation to Strictly Come Dancing it usually has enough fit young women in tiny outfits to keep us amused for an hour or two on a Sunday evening.

Charlene Tilton a very long time ago

This year the level of celebrities competing rarely gets above D grade.  Indeed we have only heard of five out of the twelve.  The biggest two names this year are: Charlene Tilton from Dallas who is universally known in the UK as "the poison dwarf" (thanks to radio DJ Terry Wogan who had a thing about her in the eighties) and diet guru Rosemary Conley.  Both of these are there to fight the accusations of ageism that is besetting TV channels here.

Lingerie model Jennifer Ellison has never appealed to Triple P because of her plastic bust (allegedly- she claims its natural) and enormous forehead.  She ballooned in weight after having a baby recencly so it is all credit to her for losing an amazing five stone (that's 70lbs for those who don't understand our medieval system of weighing people) to get ready for the show.

Jennifer Ellison after the birth of her baby

Triple P will be supporting local girl, Olympic skiier Chemmy Alcott, who is using her stint on the show as part of her rehabilitation from a horrific crash last year.  One of her legs is now mostly metal.

Chemmy Alcott

Also worth looking our for is Jorgie Porter, an actress from the TV show Hollyoaks, which is only really famous for producing an endless line of identikit "blonde" starlets.

Jorgie Porter displays the sort of strong rear needed for skating

None of these splendid ladies will win, of course, as the nature of the voting viewers will mean that it is likely to be the male soap actor.  There is one intriguing entry this year, Frenchman Sebastien Foucan, one of the creators of freerunning, who appeared in the opening sequence of Casino Royale (2006) being chased up a crane by James Bond. He should have good balance anyway.

Holly Willoughby

The biggest disappointment for Triple P is the replacement of the pneumatic Holly Willoughby (two of the main reasons to watch the show) as co-presenter by the rather more average WAG, Christine Bleakley.  Bleakley has already stated that she won't try to compete with Willoughby's notorious plunging necklines.

Christine Bleakley

More interesting to Agent Triple P is the inclusion on the judging panel of Olympic gold medallist Katarina Witt who we always had a thing about.  The only woman to make figure skating sexy, largely because of her very unskater-like figure where she was a woman amongst a host of twiglets.

Katarina Witt

More features on some of these ladies as the series develops, no doubt.
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