Fat, ugly, old people on scooters...

Scooters invade the Isle of Wight

Agent Triple P is back in Cowes for the Cowes-Torquay-Cowes powerboat anniversary. Many years ago he actually raced in one of these powerboats in what was the most unpleasant and uncomfortable day of his life. One of those experiences that was only good in retrospect. Later we will be heading out to get away from it all and do some sailing but in the meantime we drove to one of our favourite second-hand book shops only to find the roads of the Isle of Wight infested with hundreds of motor-scooters.

We haven't seen anyone even remotely like this...

When Triple P was young the newspapers were full of stories of huge August Bank Holiday fights at seaside resorts between scooter gangs. Obviously all of these tearaways have now grown up and so the roads here are now are full of late middle aged people on scooters looking not at all threatening. In fact, most of them are so fat that they look like they would have trouble getting on and off their scooters, let alone getting into a fight.

...or even this

Many of these scooters (which are nearly as old as their riders) have been tricked out with ludicrous numbers of unneccesary lights and wing mirrors so they look like mobile lollipop stands.

Much of the advertising for scooters in the past (and, indeed, the present) was aimed at or featured attractive young women. Indeed, the creator of the Vespa in 1950 designed it so that it could be ridden by women with full skirts. Certainly, Agent Triple P remembers with affection his Italian friend I and her little Piaggio whizzing around Rome in a very short skirt and there were many other lovely examples buzzing around Rome (and, indeed, Milan, Florence etc etc). Sadly, the scooter enthusiasts we have seen so far seem to be literally saddled with the sort of women who must put their two stroke engines under severe strain.

Still, we suppose they are an interesting addition to the Island traffic (provided you don't get stuck behind them, as they seem incapable of doing more than about 25mph-its probably the weight of the riders, their fat women and the extra lights and mirrors). No doubt they flock to Vectis because it reminds them of the nineteen fifties...

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Gone out, back soon...

Although he has only just come back from Toronto, Triple P is off for a bit of sailing for a few days but will be back soon...

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Most Searched Item: July 2010

Linda Lusardi claimed never to have done full frontal shots. How come we have dozens of them in our system, then?

Here are July's results. Linda Lusardi is now top of both our blogs. Can anyone else ever come top again?

1 (4) Linda Lusardi. Now tops both our blogs.
2 (1) Cindy Morgan. Stays in top three.
3 (5) Margaret Nolan. Ap again for AKA Vicki Kennedy.
4 (3) Tori Praver. Most popular Sports Illustrated girl by far.

TdF "hostesses". Must be gorgeous and be able to simultaneously smile, clap and..er, that's it really.

5 (-) Tour de France podium girls. World's biggest cycle race but you were only looking at the girls.
6 (-) Irene Shayk. Her WAG status is pushing her higher.
7 (9) Jarah Mariano. Back up for Hawaiian swimsuit babe.
8 (6) Kelly Brook. Her relentless publicity machine keeps her in the top 10.
9 (8) Pirate girls. Ever popular.
10 (-) Sofia Helqvist. Swedish Royal's girlfriend seems inexplicably interesting.
11 (12) Ayshea Brough. Up one for perennially popular UFO babe.
12 (11) Gabrielle Drake. Another UFO babe. Another good score.
13 (13) Sophie Howard. Holding steady for Sophie.
14 (2) Cheryl Cole. Big drop. Obviously more interesting if she's sick.
15 (10) Hawaiian girls. South Seas girls stay a favourite.
16 (-) Lauren Pope. Re-entry for busty model.
17 (14) Holly Willoughby. Perky presenter drops slightly.
18 (-) Polynesian Girls. More island honeys.
19 (-) Hinatea Boosie. And again, with a former Miss Tahiti.
20 (-) Luci Victoria. A return for rare British playmate.


Big drops for grapealicious Playmate, Brande Roderick, who plunges out of the top twenty from seventh position last month. Highest entry was for Tour de France Podium girls, but they'll be gone next month!

Top non girlie searches were :

1 Mark Cavendish Bike.
2 Pubic Wars
3 Pan Am clipper flying boats.
4 Fontainebleau Hotel, Miami Beach.
5 MGM Soundtrack Treasury.
6 When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth.
7 Sanger-Bredt anti-podal bomber.
8 Tom Poulton.
9 Ford Edsel.
10 Lagar de Bouza, Albarino.

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Calendar Girl August: Amber Heard

We have to say that we haven't heard of this month's calendar girl. But then the Texan born actress is only 24 and didn't make her first screen appearance until 2004.

Since then she has been a very busy girl, however, making appearances in no less than 20 films and six TV series. Amazingly she has another four films in production.

In one of these, The Rum Diary, she plays opposite Johnny Depp and beat out both Scarlett Johannsson and Keira Knightly for the role, so she may well be going far.

Above looking rather fetching with black hair for Italian FHM

Unlike many American actresses she seems quite happy to get her clothes off on screen. Perhaps its something to do with being a lapsed Catholic. Here she is looking enthusiastically perky in The Informers.

So we quite like Amber but she doesn't seem to appear in anything that we might watch so we will just have to respond to her visual loveliness in stills for now!

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How many olives in a martini?

The Library Bar, The Royal York Hotel

Now Agent Triple P likes an olive in his Martini. Indeed, we would venture that without an olive it is not, in fact, a Martini. You want a twist of lemon? Excellent, you have wrecked a classic drink.

The number of olives that should go into a Martini is generally as discussed as any other aspect of the drink. However, Agent Triple P only puts one olive in his Martini, although he will accept two if they are very small and on a cocktail stick (although that practice itself is somewhat louche).

Olive soup!

However, last Saturday night in the Library Bar at The Royal York Hotel (which is one of the better bars in Toronto, we believe) we were presented with this monstrosity which contained no less than six enormous olives. Now Royal York Martinis are famously the size of a bird bath. One could easily fit Dita von Teese into one, so there is no question of skimping on the ingredients by displacement.

So what put it into their heads to put half a dozen olives into our drink. One sip showed that it tasted exactly like WC Fields' famous "light repast of olives in a gin and vermouth broth". Even ditching them almost immediately left us with a nasty olive-tasting concotion.

We then decided we needed a Negroni to remove the taste and that came with a huge slice of orange and, horrors, a cherry.

Get your garnishes back under control!

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Of bikes and babes...

Bikes outside the Archduke

Had an enjoyable evening out with Agent DVD last night. He announced that he had bought yet another bike; an Italian carbon-fibre job with Campagnolo gears. We are sure he did it just to annoy us! We think he now owns ten bicycles! He is going to need a bigger garage. Either that or he is going to have to get rid of the Porsche and buy a Smart car.

We had some amusement watching the activity around the new racks of Boris Johnson's city bike hire scheme in the vicinity of the Archduke. These have all appeared during our sojourn to Cowes. It was most diverting to observe all the self-satisfied eco riders turn up in the vicinity of Waterloo to drop off their bikes only to find the racks were full. Heh, heh! You wouldn't have missed your train if you had caught the Tube! We don't think the bikes are very elegant but they are probably supposed to be too ugly to steal! Certainly none have been stolen so far but then who would want one of the clunky Canadian-built horrors?

We went on to our favourite local Italian where they had at least three stunning waitresses on duty. Ours was Slovakian and was just the sort of dark and obvious type that we like. Talking about bikes brought up, naturally, the subject of Victoria Pendleton: one of this blogs favourite ladies. Agent DVD hadn't seen her latest Hovis advertisement pictures so here they are!

It's nice to see Victoria earning some proper money from her utter loveliness at last.

Would you like caviar on that, Victoria?

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Roundabout of Doom!

Everyone turns left at the A3 roundabout. Almost everyone

Agent Triple P was on his way to pick up some pomegranate juice from Waitrose the other day and had just got to the big roundabout (rotary or trafiic circle for our North American cousins) under the A3 when the van in front of us turned right onto the roundabout causing much screeching of brakes and horn tooting from cars coming the other way. The fellow at the wheel of this rental van stops and looks out the window in a bemused way as if to say "why are you tooting at me?" All was made clear as he had the most Polish looking face we had ever seen (there really is such a thing!) so of course the hapless Splodni hadn't realised that you go around roundabouts clockwise in the UK. Could have been a very nasty accident and right in front of Triple P too!

The up and over ramp

Coming back from Waitrose we saw a host of police and fire engines at the other side of the roundabout and we assumed the clueless Splodni had carried on round happily crashing in to people all the way. But no, a huge dumper lorry full of empty glass bottles had fallen over onto its side on the up ramp to the A3. How he did that on a perfectly straight piece of road is hard to imagine. But it would have taken an awfully long time to clear up!

So we will be considerably more careful when negotiating the Roundabout of Doom in the future. No doubt it was the celestial influence of the Perseid meteor shower which Triple P witnessed last night!

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Most searched Item: June 2010

We're a bit late in publishing our June figures what with Cowes Week and what not but given at least two people have told us they follow the rankings then here they are!

There's a new Tron film on the way of course...sadly without Cindy

1 (11) Cindy Morgan. Big jump to the top for eighties actress.
2 (3) Cheryl Cole. Up a spot for malaria-ridden singing (allegedly) twiglet.
3 (5) Tori Praver. Up again for Miss Prawn.
4 (8) Linda Lusardi. Up for busty Page 3 girl from the past.
5 (1) Margaret Nolan. A drop from the top for regular favourite Margaret (or Vicky).
6 (13) Kelly Brook rockets up on the back of a 3D piranha.
7 (9) Brande Roderick. Why can't we have more naked girls and grapes?
8 (7) Pirate girls. Drops one.
9 (-) Jarah Mariano. Back in for swimsuit babe.
10 (18) Hawaiian girls. South Seas sirens leap up.
11 (18) Gabrielle Drake. Slight climb this month.
12 (12) Ayshea Brough. Holding steady for another UFO babe.
13 (2) Sophie Howard. Plunges down from number two.
14 (14) Holly Willoughby. Holding steady for Holly.
15 (10) Emily Blunt. Drops again this month.
16 (-) Ekaterina Ivanova. Re-entry for Rolling Stones ex.
17 (20) Air Comet Calendar. A modest climb for stripping Spanish stewardesses.
18 (-) Katherine Heigl. First time entry for an Agent DVD favourite.
19 (-)Patricia Velasquez. A welcome ret6urn for the girl from The first two Mummy films.
20 (-) Victoria Pendleton. Re-entry for fit in every way cyclist.

No need for an excuse to show a picture of Katherine Heigl

After being last month's highest climber Russian model Irena Shayk drops out of the top 20 altogether. Such is celebrity. Swimsuit model Jarah Mariano is the biggest (re)entry and Katherine Heigl wins the highest first time entry prize.


Looking at the top non girlie searches we have:


1 Jerome Morross Big Country soundtrack.
2 My Father the Hero. Which explains the good showing of Miss Heigl.
3 International Talk like a Pirate day.
4 How to Murder Your Wife soundtrack.
5 Pan Am clipper flying boats.
6 How the West was Won soundtrack.
7 US aircraft nose art.
8 When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth.
9 Norman Bel Geddes Airliner
10 Fontainebleau Hotel.

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Agent Triple P's favourite book when he was little

It's not immediately apparent from these pages but when he was a little chap Agent Triple P wanted to be an archaeologist. In fact that's not quite correct. He initially wanted to be a paleontologist and had, as he still does, a great interest in dinosaurs and the prehistoric world. In fact, we took the opportunity during our recent visit to Cowes Week to make a trip to the other side of the island to the small but perfectly formed Dinosaur Isle museum in Sandown. The Isle of Wight is, of course, one of the top half dozen locations for dinosaur fossils in the world and we spent some time happily looking at the excellent Iguanadon foot casts and therapod (probably the Isle of Wight's very own unique dinosaur: Neovenator) foot prints in Brook Bay. But dinosauria are, perhaps, for another time.

One of Agent Triple P's uncles had a very senior job in the motor car industry. He was a jet setter in every sense in the 1960s but had grown rather distant from Triple P's branch of the family. Nevertheless, he always ensured we received a Christmas present and that present was invariably books. Our uncle was a great collector of books (and the author of one or two himself) and had many first editions; including many of Dickens in the original periodicals they first appeared in. However, because of his remoteness from our day to day existence his grasp of what might be suitable reading material was often somewhat loose. As a result, one Christmas in the late sixties we were given this book about archaeology rather than paleontology.

Our disappointment was only momentary, however, for when we opened this little book we were transported into a series of lost worlds through CW Ceram's prose, photographs of artifacts and, best of all, the elegant, spare watercolours of Dutch born artist Peter Spier. For the first time the realms of Egyptology, Pompeii, the Aztecs, the Mayas, Troy, Babylon and Knossos were revealed to us. We lost our original book many years ago and hours of fruitless searching on the internet followed. Two weeks ago, however, we were in a charity shop in Cowes and spotted a copy of the book. Not only that but they wanted the princely sum of 20p for it. We were delighted!

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First glimpse of Kelly Brook in Playboy

Kelly for the cover of September's Playboy

Kelly Brook's publicist continues to work flat out, with a flurry of pieces about Miss Brook appearing over the last week. Big news, of course, is the appearance next week of her Playboy shoot and the first images, taken by Ellen von Unwerth, have just been released. "Ellen is amazing," says Kelly (or probably her publicist) "She really brought us back to those gorgeous shoots from the 1960s and 70s, when the girls were all natural. You don't see that very often these days." Now there we would have to agree with you Kelly. One stand we would like to see Playboy make is to ditch girls with plastic breasts.

Anyway, from the obviously cropped picture above, Kelly is obviously displaying her natural 32E assets for the magazine. We were rather concerned, given the small number of shops who actually stock Playboy in London, that it might be difficult to acquire and will sell out of the shops that do have it (Agent Triple P's only source is a newsagent near Soho and no we aren't going to tell you where as they only stock two or three copies). Fortunately, Triple P has to travel to Toronto next week for five days where it is much easier to buy.

Kelly has also been flashing her PhotoShopped body on the latest Reebok advert for their trendy Easy Tones trainers. She happily posed in front of the 50' billboard.

"It's a bit scary having yourself up on a billboard but I suppose I've got to get used to it because I just did a shoot for Playboy. It seems this month is my naked month," she said managing to get a plug in for the magazine as well. Road safety campaigners have already branded the billboard a "deadly distraction" for drivers; which all adds to the publicity.

Would this make you crash your car?

Finally, in a masterpice of PR co-ordination her Playboy appearance coincides with the release of her new film Piranha 3D, which is currently one of the most searched items on this blog. The tabloids are full of breathless stories about her "lesbian sex scene" but a blurry screen shot only reveals Miss Brook and "co-star", porn actress Riley Steele, indulging in what looks like an underwater waltz. Obviously her time on Strictly Come Dancing wasn't entirely wasted.

Kelly has been working hard in Los Angeles to promote herself..er, sorry, the film and has given some very illuminating quotes on what to expect from this eagerly anticipated epic. She described the film as about "a lot of fish that eat a lot of buff boys and big-boobied girls". Our favourite quote from her, however, has to be "If you like horror and you like fish then go and see it."

Riley Steele pops out for Kelly in Piranha 3D

Finally, Kelly was photographed this week dressed in a most peculiar outfit en route to a party at Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion. A case of trying a little bit too hard we think, Kelly.

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Penthouse goes down to 11 issues a year but still bids for Playboy

Penthouse July/August 2010

Penthouse has, for the first time in its forty year US published history, issued a combined issue for July and August. Although in the mid sixties, when it was first released in the UK, it didn't manage an edition every month for its first three years (1965, 1966 and 1967) since 1968 in Britain and in its first full year in the US (1970) it has published an edition every month. Penthouse is following the route of Playboy who also issued a combined summer edition last year to save money. However, they will find, as Playboy did, that the loss of an issue also means loss of advertising revenue as well but given both magazines are making a loss it is obviously still worth doing.

Playboy July/August 2010

Last week Playboy Enterprises inc. released its second quarter figures showing a net loss of $5.4 million compared with $8.7 million for the three months ending June 2009. In theory this looks like an improvement but, in fact, last year's quarter included $9.1 million in one off costs, largely relating to closing the New York office and this year similar one off costs only amounted to $1.6 million so in fact this year's results are worse than 2009. In addition revenue dropped 10% to $56 million

The situation was worse looking at the magazine where revenues dropped a staggering 38%. Even the website and digital editions couldn't help with an overall loss of 26% for the print and digital divisions. TV revenue dropped 5% as well and the share price dropped to $5.34 (down from a high of $32 in 1999).

The one piece of good news for PEI was that the licensing division revenue was up 23%. This is despite the fact that shops like WH Smiths over here have been withdrawing Playboy branded goods, such as pencil cases, aimed at children.

Playboy Store on Oxford Street

The London Playboy store on Oxford Street, which opened in September 2007 closed late last year; obviously finding that the market for pink diamante encrusted jackets at £600 was limited in a recession. The 4000 square foot, three floor shop must have cost, and lost, a fortune. Agent Triple P used to walk past it very day on the way to his office but only visited it once, with B. It was designed entirely for women and there wasn't a single thing there to appeal to chap about town other than some of the lingerie on a girl about town, of course. Actually, that wasn't too interesting either and both B and Triple P decided we preferred Agent Provocateur.

Playmates Lindsey Vuolo (November 2001) and Lauren Anderson (July 2002) flank Christie Hefner at the Playboy London store launch on September 27th 2007

Given its parlous financial state it is something of a surprise, therefore, that Penthouses' owners, FriendFinders Networks Inc., launched a $210 million offer to buy Playboy last month. However, 84 year old Hugh Hefner, who already owns 70% of the shares in PEI and is currently trying to structure a deal to buy the remaining shares and go private once more, says he doesn't want to sell as he is concerned for the future direction and heritage of the magazine. Nevertheless, Playboy's directors have formed a special committe to look at FFNI's bid whilst Hefner's move remains a proposal rather than a formal bid.

Playboy August 2010

Without Hefner agreeing to sell his 70% a deal looks unlikely. In the meantime, Playboy has gone out on a limb to gamble on the fact that there really are people who buy the magazine for the articles by launching a work safe Playboy site (www.thesmokingjacket.com) which has no naked women on it (but plenty in lingerie). Sadly, it is an inferior FHM clone aimed at the 25-35 age group. When is Playboy going to realise that the 40-66 market is largely untapped?

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Ryanair Calendar 2009

The success of the 2008 Calendar saw Ryanair produce a second one for 2009. The 2008 calendar sold its entrire print run of 10,000 within a few days of its launch. It also raised £70,000 for the nominated charity, Angels Quest, which enabled them to build a new respite home for children in Dublin. They invited charities to apply to be the partner for the 2009 version.

January: Andrea, Miss Fuel Pump

The eventually selected charity for 2009 was the homeless charity, the Dublin Simon Community but despite the good intentions of the calendar it ran into trouble almost immediately after it was published.

February: Edita, Miss Lookout

The calendar was photographed in Spain and within days of publication in November 2008 the Institute for Women in Spain announced possible legal action and complaints to both the Irish and Spanish authorities.

March: Ulle, Miss Check-in

Killjoy spokeswoman María Jesús Ortiz claimed the images presented the women as 'sexual objects.' Er, yes... They also claimed that the airline should have included men in the calendar as they made up a significant part of the employees of the industry.

April: Sheila, Miss Cockpit

Spanish consumer lobbying organisation FACUA, which had objected to the previous year's calendar as well, said that: "The company is attacking the dignity of women workers in general and especially of cabin crew members, by presenting stereotypical images of these professionals which they have spent years struggling against." Three of the Ryanair staff posing for the calendar were Spanish (for completeness sake we can reveal that they were Andrea (Miss January), Sheila (Miss April) and Silvia (Miss May)). Ryanair sent a free copy of the calendar to FACUA and a spokesman for the airline said "Our 2009 Calendar proves yet again that Spanish women are among the most outgoing, fun and sexy women in Europe. We are calling on FACUA to embrace this year’s calendar as it raises much needed funds for charity while at the same time showing off the best Spain and Ryanair has to offer passengers."

May: Silvia, Miss Engineer

Also throwing her weight into the ring against Ryanair was young Swedish politician Birgitta Ohlsson, who no doubt was pleased with all the publicity. Ryanair sent her a calendar too.

June: Luciana, Miss Control Tower

Ryanair launched the calendar in November and managed to persuade a couple of the girls to strip off in a cold and gloomy Dublin Airport.

Slovakian Ingrid (Miss Mechanic) from August poses at the calendar launch

English girl Charlotte (Miss Wild from September) and Ingrid pose in a chilly Dublin Airport

Charlotte and Ingrid with a Christmas gift suggestion at the calendar launch in November 2008

Unfortunately for Ryanair, the launch day co-incided with an incident at Rome when one of their planes landed heavily and skidded off the end of the runway after multiple bird strikes.

The wrong sort of birds cause problems for Ryanair

Five occupants of the plane, including two cabin crew were taken to hospital with minor injuries.

July: Magdalena, Miss Take-off

More controversy followed the launch when it was revealed that of the 700 Ryanair girls who applied to appear in the calendar only four of them were Irish. One, in fact, was chosen but had to pull out due to the famous "other commitments".

Nevertheless, Ryanair had to field criticisms that they discriminated against Irish girls. Top Irish model Rosanna Davidson entered the debate saying: "If I was organising it, I would have made sure that Irish women were involved because it's an Irish charity and Irish fundraising."

August: Ingrid, Miss Mechanic

However, all of this was but a storm in a styrofoam teacup compared to what was about to hit the turbo-fan.

Edita Schindlerova in uniform

In March 2009, The Sun revealed that Stanstead based Miss February, Edita Schindlerova was moolighting as a porn star under the name Edita Bente. The 5'2" girl from the Czech Republic seemed bored with the question when approached by the press, indicating that it was no big deal.

Edita in one of the less explicit pictures she has posed for

Now when the tabloids claim some minor celebrity is a "porn star" they usually mean that she has been photographed with her knickers off in one of the sleazier mens magazines. However, in 22 year old Edita's case they were actually correct as she appears (and still does) on several sites in pictures and video. In several sequences she is being entertained by several chaps who may well be passenger whom she inadvertantly dropped drinks on their laps and then got to know as she dried them up with a napkin. Or not.

It looks like one of the careless passengers has spilled something on Edita in return

Now nearly all of her pictures are far too naughty even for this site although we may put her on Venus Observations in the future! Actually they may be toonaughty for that too. We would have to create an even naughtier site just for her!

No end to Edita's career

Ryanair's response to all this extra publicity was only to be expected: “what people do before or after they work for us is their business” they said, with commendable open-mindedness. Not only didn't they sack Edita but signed her up the following year for the 2010 calendar (which we will look at in the future).

September: Stanka, Miss Wet and Charlotte, Miss Wild

So, all that remains is to look at the final few months of Ryanair's most controversial calendar and contemplate our examination of 2010's edition.

October: Daniela, Miss Safety

Oh, and if we had to pick a favourite it would probably be the lovely Ulle, from March.

November: Erika, Miss Hostess

December: Lorelana, Miss Runway

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