Eurovision Song Contest: Poupée de cire, poupée de son

Agent Triple P loves the Eurovision Song Contest with all its bizarre musical styles, political voting, underdressed singers and dancers from countries you didn't even know were in Europe, an incomprehensible half time show and the dreadful inevitability that Britain will finish in the bottom five. We usually look forward to sitting down with some unhealthy snacks and pouring derision on the whole enterprise, which is what British people always do, much to the annoyance of those of our European neighbours who take the whole thing far too seriously.  Triple P was once told by a senior politician in a Baltic state that winning Eurovision, with the opportunity to showcase your country to swarms of potential tourists, was worth tens of millions to the economy.  This particular country had yet to win (unlike their two fellow Baltic States to the north) so they were going to get some "top people" on it to concoct a suitably catchy Euro anthem.  Sorry, Lithuania, but you still haven't made it.  

Britain was running equal second as the country that had won Eurovision the most (with France and Luxembourg) after top placing Ireland.  Then last year the Swedes won again to draw level with us at five wins each (although Britain still has by far the most second places).  In Eurovision, however, second is nothing as the winner gets to host the following show with all the touristic marketing opportunities that offers.  When it was hosted in Azerbaijan the host nation poisoned every pigeon in the city to avoid tourists being dive-bombed by the pesky flying rats.  I am sure that this year's Swedish hosts won't go to such extremes.

Britain hasn't won since 1997, which has variously been blamed on the fact that we invaded Iraq, we don't support the EU or that we treat most foreign countries like fiddling little irrelevancies and since a lot of these joined the EU they are getting their own back.  The real issue is that most of our songs, singers and productions are just boring.  Letting the British public vote for the singers to represent us was a total farce so recently, the BBC (who fund a good part of the budget which means that we don't have to qualify for the final) has taken a more (and characteristic) dictatorial approach in just choosing our singers and songs.  this has not really worked any better, with Engelbert Humperdinck coming in dead last (again) in 2012. Much as we love Bonnie Tyler her time has long since past and, worse, her song is terrible.  Still, it could be worse.  France, another five times winner, hasn't won since 1977.

We still own this record

Speaking of France, the first Eurovision song we remember was when we were holidaying in the South of France with our family in 1965.  The same song, which we soon discovered was the Eurovision winner, was played again and again in cafe's shops and on the radio, even though the contest itself had been back in March.  This was Poupée de cire, une poupée de son by France Gall and Triple P's father set out to buy this extraordinarily catchy tune on record.

We still own this record as well

Of course by this time the French chart had moved on so we ended up with a cover version by a French chanteuse, Dominique and France Gall's next record.  Both of these singles had, unlike British ones, four tunes on and we were very taken with France Gall's efforts, particularly Attends ou va-t'en and Mon bateau de nuit.  We did wonder, at the time, why French singers insisted on being photographed with dogs for their record covers.  Subsequently we discovered that France Gall had competed for Luxembourg not France and this record also contained a cover of the French entry that year, N'avou jamias.  Cominciamo ad Amarci had been an entry in that year's San Remo Festival, which had been the original inspiration for the Eurovision song contest.  Perry Como would cover it the following year on his Perry Como in Italy LP.

Decades later we managed to buy a CD of France Gall's music in Berlin and so got the original of Poupée de cire, une poupée de son for the first time, whereupon we discovered that Dominique's cover version was a very good one indeed.

Gall was only eighteen when she won Eurovision with Serge Gainsbourg's clever, punning song (it really doesn't translate at all well into English). Her live performance was far from brilliant and in rehearsal the song was actually booed. Gall later stopped working with Gainsbourg after he got her to sing a song about lollipops, Les Sucettes, which really wasn't about lollipops at all...

There is an interesting version of Poupée de cire, une poupée de son, called Lonely Singing Doll, by largely forgotten British teenage singer Twinkle, which also takes its theme as disillusionment with the life of pop singer without being an actual translation of the original.  Triple P also has a version in his collection by American band Les Sans Culottes which sounds very much like Blondie.  Perhaps our favourite cover is by Swedish symphonic metal band Therion where their version is driven by lead singer Lori Lewis' classical soprano backed by the band's thrash metal guitars.

We are certain that whatever wins this year it won't be as good a song as Poupée de cire, une poupée de son. 

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The Eurovision Song Contest 2012

Greece's Eleftheria Elftheriou and her sparkly knickers

Well, another tragic performance by The UK at Eurovision, as we came second from last (again).   Oh well, one place higher than 2010 when we were dead last.  Having been one of the most successful countries for decades (won 5 times, second 15 times) our performance in the last ten years has been dismal:  last three times, second to last twice, third to last once.

Who knows what came over the person in the BBC who chose 76 year old Engelbert Humperdinck as our representative.  He hasn't had even a modest hit since 1976.  The decision must have been made after a long lunch, we can only suppose.

The BBC puts in a huge amount of licence payers money to this political back slapping contest.  Given that Jade Ewen came 5th in 2009 it can't just be that everyone hates us in Europe (actually we all hate you too, Johnny Foreigner!).  Most other countries field their top artists but, of course, none of ours need the international exposure that these Balkan and Baltic nonentities crave for.  We haven't fielded a major artist since Olivia Newton-John in 1974 and, to be honest, she was still on her way up at the time).

I'm afraid there is only one solution for next year:  the UK's nemesis bomb - One Direction!

Eleftheria Eleftheriou.  Try saying that after three glasses of Ouzo

Personally Agent Triple P's favourite was the repetitively named Eleftheria Eleftheriou and we were surprised that her catchy Europop number and sparkly knicker-flashing rountine didn't place her higher.  It would have been most amusing to see what the Greeks would have done if they'd won, given the cost of mounting the competition!  

Eleftheria is actually a Cypriot and competed in the Greek X Factor.  She was a candidate for Cyprus' Eurovision entry in 2005 and Greece's in 2010.  Interestingly she studied at the University of Surrey in Guidford, just down the A3 from Triple P's house.

We have to say that we can't understand the appeal of the Swedish winner, especially in what was a rather stronger year than recently.

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Eurovision 2010

The Germans and their flags, eh? Lena, Lena over all!

Another (not very classic) Eurovison is over and has produced, shock, a German winner. It had always been thought that the days of anyone winning from the "big four" (those countries that fund most of the competition and get automatic entry to the final) of France, Germany, Spain and the UK) was long over, as block voting by Central and Eastern Europeans made this unlikely. Certainly this has been the UK's reasoning and defence for our terrible showing in the contest in the last decade. In fact, Britain has been dead last now three times since 2003. Our entry this year was written by Pete Waterman and Mike Stock and sounded exactly like a poor B side from one of their dreadful singles from the eighties. Britain has alway sneered about the fact that European music was hopelessly old fashioned but this year we had the dreadful old fashioned dance song and the Germans had a contemporary sounding pop song. In fact, poor Josh Dubovie, our singer, had the embarrassment of his song being called the UK's worst ever entry (and that is saying something) and his chances of winning were rated by the bookies as being the same as David Beckham marring Cheryl Cole or ex Blue Peter presenter Konnie Huq being elected Mayor of London. But now Germany has won, our excuse has gone.

In a way, it indicates a rehabilitation of Germany in Europe, as the Second World War fades into history, with today's youngsters not carrying the baggage of the past. Agent Triple P would have thought that there would still be a lot of countries in Europe who still aren't sure about Germany and wouldn't vote for them; but we were wrong, as they got douze points after douze points (nine out of the 39 available) from many countries they had steamrollered seventy years ago. In fact, Norway gave Germany 12 points despite it being exactly 70 years since the Germans rolled across Norway (April-June 1940). It was noticeable, however, that the Germans didn't get a single point from Israel; joining a small group consisting or Armenia, Belarus, Georgia and Romania who didn't vote for them.

Oddly, Belarus who languished on null points for much of the competition, and only picked up four votes altogether, leapfrogged out of last position and kicked the UK down there instead because the UK gave them douze points. What? Why? The only other countries who voted for Belarus were Bulgaria, Romania and Russia and none of them gave them more than trois points.

Armenia's lovely Eva Rivas (or Valeriya Reshetnikova-Tsaturian, to giver her her correct name)

The block voting, despite the new system, was still there and there were the usaul spats between old enemies. The very patriotic (nationalistic?) Armenian entry was taken by the Turks to refer to the massacre of Armenians by Turkey during World War 1 and has caused a right ruckus between the two. We don't care about this but give the Armenian singer, Eva Rivas, the Triple P award for most desirable performer (not that there was a lot of competition this year).

Musically, it was fairly dire as usual but we were surprised by Ireland's poor showing: they had a good singer (Niamh Kavanagh) and a good song but maybe the fact that she had won before counted against her. Still she got 150% more points than the UK (and was still third from last). The Irish, who are usually generous markers of the UK entry did give us our highest points: four. Way down on the eights, tens and twelves we usually expect.

Mordor entered Mount Doom this year

Iceland had a good entry but paid the price, we suspect, for wrecking everyone's travel plans during the spring. Indeed their singer, Hera Björk Thórhallsdóttir, looked rather frighteningly like a volcano herself.

One great disappointment this year was the singular lack of underdressed Eastern European dollies gyrating around. Perhaps in post credit-crunch Europe such things are seen as too frivolous (although we notice that Latvia (who didn't make the final) has started a blondes parade to cheer up the country as their economy dives faster than a Stuka).

So, who are Britian's friends in Europe? On the basis of Eurovision, other than Ireland, its the motley collection of Albania, Azerbaijan and Georgia. Perhaps they are all looking forward to the days when they can join the EU, come to Britain and claim benefits while still living at home. No gratitude from the Poles, however! The Turks gave Germany dix points! Next time you get invaded you're on your own, mateys!

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Eurovision

Hadise shakes it all about for Turkey

It's some days since Eurovision but we feel we can't let the event pass without some comment. We can't say we enjoyed it so much this year and there were a number of reasons for this. Firstly, everyone seemed to be taking it very seriously this year (even the UK) and there weren't quite as many really off the wall acts as usual (although the poor Albanian singer who had to cope with the blue sparkly man had her work cut out for her).

17 year old Balkan teenager molested on stage by overdressed alien

Even Dita couldn't help the song

The Germans tried to enliven their performance with a rather underused Dita von Teese writhing around in the background. Generally, however, there was a sad lack of underdressed dollies this year.

Svetlana Loboda gets manhandled by Trojans

Ukraine defied the new Credit Crunch sense of doom with a typically underdressed lady and some bizarre chaps dressed up as Las Vegas style Ancient Greeks. Svetlana Loboda, the lady in question has been in several girl bands in her home country as well as posing, thankfully, for Maxim's Ukrainian edition (!)

Svetlana: Thank heavens for Ukraine

Hadise gives it some belly

We also enjoyed the Belgian-born belly dancing Turkish entrant, Hadise, and indeed she finished in fourth place.

Lord Lloyd-Webber contemplates adding another piece of art to his extensive collection

The UK's entry, the lovely Jade Ewen, looked and sounded a little strained. She is quite a good singer but there were some bigger and better voices on show this year. Fifth is not bad I suppose and the Norwegian entry was the biggest runaway winner (it was very catchy) ever but I would have thought the UK team should feel a little disappointed. Interestingly if you look at the professional juries votes only and discount the telephone voting, then they had her third. Part of the issue is that Andrew Lloyd-Webber just isn't a pop song writer.

On TV Graham Norton showed that he will have to go some way to match Terry Wogan. Norton seemed overwhelmed by the sheer scale of the event although he warmed up a bit in the second half.

Another downer on the evening was the sheer size of the Russian venue; it was just too big to generate any real buzz. Hopefully Oslo will offer a more human scale venue next year. The half time show which consisted of girls in vests and frilly knickers writhing around in giant see-through paddling pools suspended from the ceiling should have been Triple P heaven but again, just didn't work. They were dwarfed by the venue and the photography failed to capture the sheer bizarreness of it.

So very professional but rather soulless production by the Russians, OK but not brilliant songs and paucity of underdressed girlies mean a 6/10 from Triple P. At least the new voting system prevented some of the regional tactical voting.

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Eurovision: British Contestant Jade Ewen

Jade Ewen: really rather gorgeous

Agent Triple P loves the Eurovision Song Contest with all its scantily clad Eastern European girlie singers, terrible music and rabid regional nationalism. Great Britain has wisely refused to take it seriously for years and this seems to be the BBCs take on why we haven't won (or even got into the top ten) for years. They argue that by employing Lord Lloyd-Webber to write the UK entry we will prove our seriousness to the people of Europe and they will vote on the quality of the song not on regional bias.

Hmm. There are several problems with this theory. The first being that we don't believe Lord Lloyd-Webber could write a catchy Eurovison tune if he tried. To our ears most of his music is rather dreary and derivative. Occasionally he pulls out a big theatrical ballad but whether that style will work in Eurovision is doubtful. Agent Triple P would have gone with Xenomania producing something for Girls Aloud. That might have had a chance. Secondly, nearly everyone in Europe hates us. For the Iraq war. For the Cold War. For the Cod War. For beating them in numerous other wars in history. This year's Eurovision song contest is in Moscow. Does the BBC really thing that all those ex-Soviet states are going to vote for anyone than their big, friendly ex-comrade down the road?

In typical BBC fashion they held a competion to choose the UK artist for whom his Lordship would write the song. We watched as they filmed all the rehearsals and got down to a final few. Then, suspiciously, a last minute entry called Jade Ewen popped up having not featured in any of the rounds at all. She is not exactly an unkown either, as she has had no less than two record contracts in the past and is a TV actress.

Oh well, perhaps it is right that we undertake a bit of skullduggery to get a good entrant or we will end up with something like last year's singing dustman (nul points again). Despite obviously being the class of the final six Jade ended up in the sing off last week. Surely the BBC wouldn't have put her in this position deliberately so the panic stricken public would make sure that they voted for her in the final? Frankly, until the TV companies get these TV voting shows scrutinised by proper auditors (like the National Lottery does) we aren't going to believe any of these results.

Neverthess, Jade is a not bad singer and certainly is a quite spectacular looking young lady. His Lordship seems particularly taken with her. Perhaps he can see her adorning his collection with some of his other splendid nudes.

So we look forward to Moscow on May 16th with interest. The dopey Europeans actually seem to admire his Lordship so maybe he, rather than Jade, will attract the votes, especially as he has said he will accompany her on the piano (in his dreams). There is only one slight problem. Jade is what the Americans would call a "woman of colour". This is not popular in much of Europe where there are many countries, we are afraid, who still demonstrate levels of racism that would enbarrass Alf Garnett. Not mentioning any names (large arid country famous for also not respecting bulls and donkeys).

Good luck then, Jade. Wear a very short skirt because you can carry that off and it may pull in a few more votes from the Baltics and they certainly need cheering up at the moment given the way their economies have tanked!

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Eurovision

HMS was very dubious about me mentioning the Eurovision Song Contest on these pages. He thought it would "lower the tone", which seems rather difficult. Anyway, we shall ignore him because:

A: I mustn't be influenced by other people's comments and,

B: my interest in the ESC has nothing to do with the ghastly so-called music competition and everything to do with seeing splendid European women prancing about in tiny outfits on prime time television. From that point of view this year's competition was something of a disappointment.

However, we liked the slutty Russian girls. My late lamented friend R would have been able to price each one to within $10 on the St Petersburg market. My estimate would have been about $150 for two hours. That's each of course. As a set you can probably add 50% to that.


We also liked Karolina Goceva from Macedonia, but then we have always had a soft spot for Balkan women.



But the Triple P favourite this year must be the splendid Moldovan, Natalia Barbu. I've no idea where Moldova is but maybe I need to go there. I wonder what their infrastructure is like..?

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